I would like to dedicate this list to the hapless intern who could’ve used it.

Approved for nickname clearance:

• Relatives, including and limited to parents, sibling, aunts, uncles, first cousins.
• Anyone who was my doubles partner on the Waterville Senior High tennis team.
• Anyone who contributed to my zine. Oh, and Mike and Trey (who I think just ran ads, but count anyway).
• Anyone who lived on a hill in Worcester between the years 1995 and 1999 AND took classes with my favorite professor OR lived in Hanselman in 1994 or 1995 AND doesn’t suck.
• Anyone with whom I have been in a band (that has played at least one show in public).
• Anyone who has spent more than half an hour on the roof of 510 Clinton St. AND knows at least three people who have been on the lease there.
• Anyone with whom I have spent more than one hour in a coffee shop within the past two years, on more than two occasions.

Not approved for nickname clearance:

• Everyone else.

While I’m at it, NO:

• “Where’s your lamb?”
• “How does your garden grow?”
• Blah blah blah “contrary”
• “Why you buggin’?”
• “Along comes”
• Blah blah blah hyphen confusing wah wah punctuation in name it’s too complicated, little dash-shaped mark, cannot process

YES:

• “It’s a grand old name!”