Walking home from the bank just now I stopped at the market to buy some kale, because I am a greens-eating elitist who is out of touch with real America. The cashier didn’t offer a bag for my lone item, because this market caters exclusively to bleeding-heart liberals who hug trees literally all day long, and I didn’t have a bag with me, so I just tucked the massive bunch of kale under my arm and proceeded on my way.

As I turned on to my block I thought I saw my neighbor A. getting out of a car, and I immediately conceived a fantastic line I could use in this exact situation:

Neighbor A: Hi, Mary.

MPS: Hi, A.

Neighbor A: Whatcha up to?

MPS: Oh, [gesturing] I’m just airing my kale.

Sadly, it wasn’t A. Also, that’s not funny?

Bonus! Recipe for Elitist Kale

• 1 big bunch of kale
• 1 big Vidalia onion, sliced thin
• some mild olive oil, preferably from a Socialist country, like Italy
• a couple tablespoons rice vinegar
• a couple drops toasted sesame oil
• sesame seeds, for garnish, optional
• salt

Slice the kale into ribbons, or just tear it with your hands if you’re feeling aggro. Chop up the tender bits of the stems too. Dump it all in a big colander and rinse well, then pat dry (but it’s good if a little water is left on the leaves). Heat up a tablespoon, thereabouts, of olive oil in a big pot and saute the onion. After it’s softened throw in the damp kale and cover the pot. Stir after five minutes; the kale is probably tender enough, but maybe it isn’t. Stir in a tablespoon or two of rice vinegar and add a couple drops of toasted sesame oil, plus however much salt you want. Serve hot or warm or cold with a sprinkle of sesame seeds and as much indignation as you can muster.